[She deliberates on how much detail to get into here.]
We don't see eye to eye on how to handle potential problems like Matches. I don't want to cause problems here, and I assume the two of you have already spoke of his intentions.
Yes, we did. And Connor still will do what he believes is best for all of us, regardless.
[He leaves out the details of their own conversation, towing that very delicate line of wanting to be honest and not wanting to talk behind Connor’s back.]
I won’t make excuses for him. Whatever he said to you, just know that his opinions are formed by his experiences back in Detroit, and I don’t necessarily disagree with his stance.
[No, and she doesn't want to do the same. Clarke considers her words. It's hard to speak of this without making it about Connor's decisions or what she perceives to be incredible irrationality there. After a few long moments, she puts together a reply.]
I want to help you with Matches because I trust your judgment when it comes to him. Or rather—I want to trust your judgment. Until he acts in a way that actually puts us at risk and doesn't involve talking a big game, that's important. I've seen what happens when someone doesn't.
I understand Connor's stance. And your stance. But until someone acts in a way rather than just talking about it, we can't begin to speak of exiling one of our own. It can't even be on the table. There are too many unknown variables.
You asked me to keep an open mind about what I do moving forward. To not just see this all ending in killing whoever's responsible. And I am. I'm trying. I will. That's behavior informed by my life before, so I'd hope that you and Connor can do the same. And yes, I'm opposed to his solution because I've seen what happens in my world, but I don't think that makes me a hypocrite. Because I've made that mistake before.
More than anything, we've got to be careful about giving Matches a reason to think he's right. That he will just be pushed aside. And if it wasn't Matches and were, say ... me? Because you know what I'm capable of, even if Connor doesn't. Or an idea of it. I won't act irrationally, but sometimes a reasonable person can craft what seems to be a reasonable response in their head when everything's gone wrong. Or they can be so used to certain actions that they don't know anything else.
I guess I'm freewriting here. I don't want you to think that I think I'm at risk. I'm not. But we need to consider the precedent here because I have a feeling I've taken a lot more lives than Matches has. That's all.
Edited (clarifying the "his") 2019-01-18 19:32 (UTC)
When I say I don’t necessarily disagree, that means I can see his reasoning. That I can understand why Connor thinks the way he does, and why he believes that Matches might be a threat to the integrity to our group as a whole.
But that also doesn’t mean I’m throwing Matches under the proverbial bus. You said you trust my judgment? Then my judgment is this: he won’t go out of his way to endanger us, that he talks big but has given us no reason to actually believe that he’s reckless. In that sense, I agree with you.
So you can see the issue, being pulled between two modes of understanding, between two people who aren’t seeing eye-to-eye.
And I don’t consider you a hypocrite, Clarke. If you’re keeping an open mind about everything, like I’m trying to similarly do, then that’s all anyone can ask. That’s all I can ask of you.
Not disagreeing can mean two different things. Especially when a friend is involved.
I'll be honest here. If Connor acts, I will push against it. I'm not saying that when he doesn't know. I think he has the idea now. I made it pretty clear.
I just feel bad because that makes you pulled between three people. It's not fair to you.
[Ah, well. That’s just wonderful (it isn’t), though not entirely unexpected, given all that’s happened — knowing that he’ll be pulled in three different directions, an almost unavoidable consequence of being caught in the middle of an interconnected web.
But what’s he supposed to say to that? Convince her otherwise? Markus has no want to do so, he can only hope that this doesn’t snowball into a situation where his attempts to be reasonable will only end up with him choosing a side.]
We all make our choices and live with the consequences. I’m making a choice, too, by planting myself in the middle.
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[That’s just... ridiculous. So very far from his mind, what his purpose was.]
I’m going to give him time, then speak with him again. I can’t leave it like that.
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Have you been checking up on everyone having a difficult time on Gaby's post?
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So, just you and Connor. He wasn't very interested in hearing what I had to say.
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How so?
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We don't see eye to eye on how to handle potential problems like Matches. I don't want to cause problems here, and I assume the two of you have already spoke of his intentions.
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[He leaves out the details of their own conversation, towing that very delicate line of wanting to be honest and not wanting to talk behind Connor’s back.]
I won’t make excuses for him. Whatever he said to you, just know that his opinions are formed by his experiences back in Detroit, and I don’t necessarily disagree with his stance.
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I want to help you with Matches because I trust your judgment when it comes to him. Or rather—I want to trust your judgment. Until he acts in a way that actually puts us at risk and doesn't involve talking a big game, that's important. I've seen what happens when someone doesn't.
I understand Connor's stance. And your stance. But until someone acts in a way rather than just talking about it, we can't begin to speak of exiling one of our own. It can't even be on the table. There are too many unknown variables.
You asked me to keep an open mind about what I do moving forward. To not just see this all ending in killing whoever's responsible. And I am. I'm trying. I will. That's behavior informed by my life before, so I'd hope that you and Connor can do the same. And yes, I'm opposed to his solution because I've seen what happens in my world, but I don't think that makes me a hypocrite. Because I've made that mistake before.
More than anything, we've got to be careful about giving Matches a reason to think he's right. That he will just be pushed aside. And if it wasn't Matches and were, say ... me? Because you know what I'm capable of, even if Connor doesn't. Or an idea of it. I won't act irrationally, but sometimes a reasonable person can craft what seems to be a reasonable response in their head when everything's gone wrong. Or they can be so used to certain actions that they don't know anything else.
I guess I'm freewriting here. I don't want you to think that I think I'm at risk. I'm not. But we need to consider the precedent here because I have a feeling I've taken a lot more lives than Matches has. That's all.
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But that also doesn’t mean I’m throwing Matches under the proverbial bus. You said you trust my judgment? Then my judgment is this: he won’t go out of his way to endanger us, that he talks big but has given us no reason to actually believe that he’s reckless. In that sense, I agree with you.
So you can see the issue, being pulled between two modes of understanding, between two people who aren’t seeing eye-to-eye.
And I don’t consider you a hypocrite, Clarke. If you’re keeping an open mind about everything, like I’m trying to similarly do, then that’s all anyone can ask. That’s all I can ask of you.
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I'll be honest here. If Connor acts, I will push against it. I'm not saying that when he doesn't know. I think he has the idea now. I made it pretty clear.
I just feel bad because that makes you pulled between three people. It's not fair to you.
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But what’s he supposed to say to that? Convince her otherwise? Markus has no want to do so, he can only hope that this doesn’t snowball into a situation where his attempts to be reasonable will only end up with him choosing a side.]
We all make our choices and live with the consequences. I’m making a choice, too, by planting myself in the middle.
So don’t feel sorry for me.
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[Given that Connor and Markus are both her friends ... and Matches decidedly isn't.]
I'll do what I can to keep it from getting to that point.