[And hearing that, it’s made even more apparent how heavy that guilt must be; yet it makes sense, in its own way. An ailing loved one is a difficult subject , and Noctis simply not wanting to face it as reality is perhaps a more common coping mechanism than he might believe.
Yet it’s a subject they can loop back around to. Noctis wants to hear about Carl, and Markus has to steady his own thoughts as he lets a moment hang between them, deciding on a suitable answer.
It’s hard. He can think of more than one moment, made clearer by the poignancy of hindsight.]
Happiest… I think, were the quiet moments. He was already weak, and some days were better than others — but the good ones, where he could spend all day in his studio and I could just watch his thought process unfold with each creative decision he made… I think those were my favorite.
[…]
You know, it hasn’t even been that long. Since things changed for me, I mean. But it’s funny how it feels like it was a lifetime ago. Like I was a different person, then.
[ Noctis is entirely silent as Markus speaks, brow knitting at the word "weak" but then he supplies the gentler follow-up. There's emotion in his voice, wholly human, subtle and unaffected but that's what sticks out to Noctis and that's what makes him want to smile, even if it tightens his chest.
His hand braces against the back of that couch as he finally slides forward onto one of the cushions as if he plans to reach out to him, moving closer--
--but he halts, out of his element and wondering if he's pushing too far. ]
... you sound really proud of him. We've both got a lot to live up to... so maybe that's why it feels like a long time ago. Because you're already starting to change to do that.
[Even if Carl is no longer present in his life, he still is, in a way. Helping Markus become the kind of person to be proud of, alive in the choices he makes everyday. He can't imagine those years without him; doesn't want to. Keeps those memories held tightly against him, even if it means that grief hasn't had a chance to dissolve.
And for Markus, that's fine, in the end.
Noctis’ forestalled gesture is too obvious to not be noted. It falls into the trap of awkwardness, half-completed, but Markus takes the reins instead, not so affected by that brand of self-consciousness. It’s easy enough to scoot slightly closer, to place a gentle yet affirming hand on the young man’s shoulder.
Commiseration, he had once told him. Maybe this is it. ]
And do you feel the same way? That you've begun to change, too?
[ That hand drops onto a shoulder that immediately hitches under its weight, having to take a moment to consciously force himself to relax. It takes all of the willpower he has to then return the gesture with a touch of his own to signal to Markus that he's comfortable with this and that it's meaningful to him. It's the least he can do... or would be, if the part of Markus at this angle most readily available weren't his leg, and Noctis bounces his hand in an awkward pat and speedy retreat after placing it on his thigh.
Wow. That was the worst. ]
Uh... I dunno, yet. I think in some ways, but it's hard to know how much of that is me doing what I want to do and growing to make better choices, or... just doing what I have to do. I've barely had time to stop and think.
[Well, he tries. Awkward as it might be, Noctis' intent is still noted, even if its follow-through was only half realized. But it's fine. Markus takes awkward moments and rights them on their feet, pushing forward and past them without any outward judgment.
He drops his hand, settling it back on his lap.]
I know exactly what that's like.
[They run so parallel with each other, facing similar trials across completely different worlds and circumstances, that Markus is almost sorry for it.]
But maybe they're sometimes one and the same. Maybe some people aren't given the luxury of differentiating the two. [A beat.] Besides, even though this world provides some leeway to 'stop and think', it hardly ever feels that way.
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
no subject
Yet it’s a subject they can loop back around to. Noctis wants to hear about Carl, and Markus has to steady his own thoughts as he lets a moment hang between them, deciding on a suitable answer.
It’s hard. He can think of more than one moment, made clearer by the poignancy of hindsight.]
Happiest… I think, were the quiet moments. He was already weak, and some days were better than others — but the good ones, where he could spend all day in his studio and I could just watch his thought process unfold with each creative decision he made… I think those were my favorite.
[…]
You know, it hasn’t even been that long. Since things changed for me, I mean. But it’s funny how it feels like it was a lifetime ago. Like I was a different person, then.
no subject
His hand braces against the back of that couch as he finally slides forward onto one of the cushions as if he plans to reach out to him, moving closer--
--but he halts, out of his element and wondering if he's pushing too far. ]
... you sound really proud of him. We've both got a lot to live up to... so maybe that's why it feels like a long time ago. Because you're already starting to change to do that.
no subject
[Even if Carl is no longer present in his life, he still is, in a way. Helping Markus become the kind of person to be proud of, alive in the choices he makes everyday. He can't imagine those years without him; doesn't want to. Keeps those memories held tightly against him, even if it means that grief hasn't had a chance to dissolve.
And for Markus, that's fine, in the end.
Noctis’ forestalled gesture is too obvious to not be noted. It falls into the trap of awkwardness, half-completed, but Markus takes the reins instead, not so affected by that brand of self-consciousness. It’s easy enough to scoot slightly closer, to place a gentle yet affirming hand on the young man’s shoulder.
Commiseration, he had once told him. Maybe this is it. ]
And do you feel the same way? That you've begun to change, too?
no subject
Wow. That was the worst. ]
Uh... I dunno, yet. I think in some ways, but it's hard to know how much of that is me doing what I want to do and growing to make better choices, or... just doing what I have to do. I've barely had time to stop and think.
no subject
He drops his hand, settling it back on his lap.]
I know exactly what that's like.
[They run so parallel with each other, facing similar trials across completely different worlds and circumstances, that Markus is almost sorry for it.]
But maybe they're sometimes one and the same. Maybe some people aren't given the luxury of differentiating the two. [A beat.] Besides, even though this world provides some leeway to 'stop and think', it hardly ever feels that way.