No. I’d like to believe I can tell the difference. I can see the bigger picture, and all the moving parts that act as its foundation — including people, opinions, actions and ideas. Like I said, none of what I’m telling you will affect how we as a group will move forward.
These are only my personal thoughts, nothing more.
Matches was already irritated with Connor’s instigating. I tried to calm him down and understand his perspective. It ended up with him pushing me away, claiming we were never friends to begin with. But that’s fine, Clarke. I’m giving him the time he needs to calm down.
All right. I don't want you to feel that you can't say your piece. That's important.
[And expressing stressors rather than writing them off as if they don't exist. It's easy to fall into that habit—which is a fact that Clarke knows all too well.
And then there's the bit with Matches. She told him once that he reminds her of Murphy. It's starting to sound like she was very, very spot on with that.]
Oddly enough, that bit tells me everything I'd ever need to know about Matches. He likely pushed you away because it's a way of protecting himself.
And I think in this case, he might think he has good reason to believe you'd choose Connor over him.
But you know all this already. It doesn't make it hurt less.
[Would Markus choose Connor over anyone else here? Absolutely. That's likely no well-kept secret to anyone with eyes; and yet Markus feels that isn't exactly the point.]
My regard for Connor doesn't have anything to do with my friendship with him. It wasn't a matter of choosing sides, only an attempt to mediate.
Again, I'm not Matches' biggest fan. But I am a big fan of yours, so keep that in mind.
He strikes me as the type to do what he feels is necessary to protect himself. That doesn't mean it makes sense or that it's rooted in any reality. Sometimes emotions just rule over any ability to really see what's going on. You telling me that it was never about a choice doesn't mean anything.
Hell, if he's stupid enough to think you'd give up on him that easily, after all the stupid stuff he's said on the network, then he's used to being second best.
You mediated, and he was cutting ties. Making it so the imaginary choice didn't exist in the first place.
[She deliberates on how much detail to get into here.]
We don't see eye to eye on how to handle potential problems like Matches. I don't want to cause problems here, and I assume the two of you have already spoke of his intentions.
Yes, we did. And Connor still will do what he believes is best for all of us, regardless.
[He leaves out the details of their own conversation, towing that very delicate line of wanting to be honest and not wanting to talk behind Connor’s back.]
I won’t make excuses for him. Whatever he said to you, just know that his opinions are formed by his experiences back in Detroit, and I don’t necessarily disagree with his stance.
[No, and she doesn't want to do the same. Clarke considers her words. It's hard to speak of this without making it about Connor's decisions or what she perceives to be incredible irrationality there. After a few long moments, she puts together a reply.]
I want to help you with Matches because I trust your judgment when it comes to him. Or rather—I want to trust your judgment. Until he acts in a way that actually puts us at risk and doesn't involve talking a big game, that's important. I've seen what happens when someone doesn't.
I understand Connor's stance. And your stance. But until someone acts in a way rather than just talking about it, we can't begin to speak of exiling one of our own. It can't even be on the table. There are too many unknown variables.
You asked me to keep an open mind about what I do moving forward. To not just see this all ending in killing whoever's responsible. And I am. I'm trying. I will. That's behavior informed by my life before, so I'd hope that you and Connor can do the same. And yes, I'm opposed to his solution because I've seen what happens in my world, but I don't think that makes me a hypocrite. Because I've made that mistake before.
More than anything, we've got to be careful about giving Matches a reason to think he's right. That he will just be pushed aside. And if it wasn't Matches and were, say ... me? Because you know what I'm capable of, even if Connor doesn't. Or an idea of it. I won't act irrationally, but sometimes a reasonable person can craft what seems to be a reasonable response in their head when everything's gone wrong. Or they can be so used to certain actions that they don't know anything else.
I guess I'm freewriting here. I don't want you to think that I think I'm at risk. I'm not. But we need to consider the precedent here because I have a feeling I've taken a lot more lives than Matches has. That's all.
Edited (clarifying the "his") 2019-01-18 19:32 (UTC)
When I say I don’t necessarily disagree, that means I can see his reasoning. That I can understand why Connor thinks the way he does, and why he believes that Matches might be a threat to the integrity to our group as a whole.
But that also doesn’t mean I’m throwing Matches under the proverbial bus. You said you trust my judgment? Then my judgment is this: he won’t go out of his way to endanger us, that he talks big but has given us no reason to actually believe that he’s reckless. In that sense, I agree with you.
So you can see the issue, being pulled between two modes of understanding, between two people who aren’t seeing eye-to-eye.
And I don’t consider you a hypocrite, Clarke. If you’re keeping an open mind about everything, like I’m trying to similarly do, then that’s all anyone can ask. That’s all I can ask of you.
Not disagreeing can mean two different things. Especially when a friend is involved.
I'll be honest here. If Connor acts, I will push against it. I'm not saying that when he doesn't know. I think he has the idea now. I made it pretty clear.
I just feel bad because that makes you pulled between three people. It's not fair to you.
[Ah, well. That’s just wonderful (it isn’t), though not entirely unexpected, given all that’s happened — knowing that he’ll be pulled in three different directions, an almost unavoidable consequence of being caught in the middle of an interconnected web.
But what’s he supposed to say to that? Convince her otherwise? Markus has no want to do so, he can only hope that this doesn’t snowball into a situation where his attempts to be reasonable will only end up with him choosing a side.]
We all make our choices and live with the consequences. I’m making a choice, too, by planting myself in the middle.
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These are only my personal thoughts, nothing more.
Matches was already irritated with Connor’s instigating. I tried to calm him down and understand his perspective. It ended up with him pushing me away, claiming we were never friends to begin with. But that’s fine, Clarke. I’m giving him the time he needs to calm down.
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[And expressing stressors rather than writing them off as if they don't exist. It's easy to fall into that habit—which is a fact that Clarke knows all too well.
And then there's the bit with Matches. She told him once that he reminds her of Murphy. It's starting to sound like she was very, very spot on with that.]
Oddly enough, that bit tells me everything I'd ever need to know about Matches. He likely pushed you away because it's a way of protecting himself.
And I think in this case, he might think he has good reason to believe you'd choose Connor over him.
But you know all this already. It doesn't make it hurt less.
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My regard for Connor doesn't have anything to do with my friendship with him. It wasn't a matter of choosing sides, only an attempt to mediate.
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Why do you think that?
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He strikes me as the type to do what he feels is necessary to protect himself. That doesn't mean it makes sense or that it's rooted in any reality. Sometimes emotions just rule over any ability to really see what's going on. You telling me that it was never about a choice doesn't mean anything.
Hell, if he's stupid enough to think you'd give up on him that easily, after all the stupid stuff he's said on the network, then he's used to being second best.
You mediated, and he was cutting ties. Making it so the imaginary choice didn't exist in the first place.
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[That’s just... ridiculous. So very far from his mind, what his purpose was.]
I’m going to give him time, then speak with him again. I can’t leave it like that.
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Have you been checking up on everyone having a difficult time on Gaby's post?
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So, just you and Connor. He wasn't very interested in hearing what I had to say.
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How so?
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We don't see eye to eye on how to handle potential problems like Matches. I don't want to cause problems here, and I assume the two of you have already spoke of his intentions.
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[He leaves out the details of their own conversation, towing that very delicate line of wanting to be honest and not wanting to talk behind Connor’s back.]
I won’t make excuses for him. Whatever he said to you, just know that his opinions are formed by his experiences back in Detroit, and I don’t necessarily disagree with his stance.
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I want to help you with Matches because I trust your judgment when it comes to him. Or rather—I want to trust your judgment. Until he acts in a way that actually puts us at risk and doesn't involve talking a big game, that's important. I've seen what happens when someone doesn't.
I understand Connor's stance. And your stance. But until someone acts in a way rather than just talking about it, we can't begin to speak of exiling one of our own. It can't even be on the table. There are too many unknown variables.
You asked me to keep an open mind about what I do moving forward. To not just see this all ending in killing whoever's responsible. And I am. I'm trying. I will. That's behavior informed by my life before, so I'd hope that you and Connor can do the same. And yes, I'm opposed to his solution because I've seen what happens in my world, but I don't think that makes me a hypocrite. Because I've made that mistake before.
More than anything, we've got to be careful about giving Matches a reason to think he's right. That he will just be pushed aside. And if it wasn't Matches and were, say ... me? Because you know what I'm capable of, even if Connor doesn't. Or an idea of it. I won't act irrationally, but sometimes a reasonable person can craft what seems to be a reasonable response in their head when everything's gone wrong. Or they can be so used to certain actions that they don't know anything else.
I guess I'm freewriting here. I don't want you to think that I think I'm at risk. I'm not. But we need to consider the precedent here because I have a feeling I've taken a lot more lives than Matches has. That's all.
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But that also doesn’t mean I’m throwing Matches under the proverbial bus. You said you trust my judgment? Then my judgment is this: he won’t go out of his way to endanger us, that he talks big but has given us no reason to actually believe that he’s reckless. In that sense, I agree with you.
So you can see the issue, being pulled between two modes of understanding, between two people who aren’t seeing eye-to-eye.
And I don’t consider you a hypocrite, Clarke. If you’re keeping an open mind about everything, like I’m trying to similarly do, then that’s all anyone can ask. That’s all I can ask of you.
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I'll be honest here. If Connor acts, I will push against it. I'm not saying that when he doesn't know. I think he has the idea now. I made it pretty clear.
I just feel bad because that makes you pulled between three people. It's not fair to you.
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But what’s he supposed to say to that? Convince her otherwise? Markus has no want to do so, he can only hope that this doesn’t snowball into a situation where his attempts to be reasonable will only end up with him choosing a side.]
We all make our choices and live with the consequences. I’m making a choice, too, by planting myself in the middle.
So don’t feel sorry for me.
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[Given that Connor and Markus are both her friends ... and Matches decidedly isn't.]
I'll do what I can to keep it from getting to that point.