Mm... Yeah, I guess. I did a lot of dumb stuff back then for attention anyway, though. [ Rebelled, sneaked out whenever he could, drew on old paintings, acted out towards Gladio and some of his other attendants... Occasionally his father would scold him, too often he'd be too busy and would simply ignore him instead. ]
Honestly? I don't really regret any of that. Later...
I should've been around more. I asked him if I could move out on my own and he said yes, but I still could've stopped by more. [ He glances up, then, clearly hitting a wall with his own awkwardness with the subject. ]
Do you... you know. Wanna' talk about Carl some more?
[Regrets are the most painful consequences of memory. Markus knows how cleanly they cut, and how easy it is to apply them to the past, unearthing all the what ifs. What if I had been better, what if I had made different decisions. And in Noctis’ case, what if he had spent more time with his father — would the loss be more bearable?
And that, he knows, is the inherent issue. It wouldn’t be.
Yet the android almost feels like a hypocrite when he says—] You can’t do that to yourself, Noctis. You can’t punish yourself for not having the foresight to expect tragedy that no one should ever have to consider.
[Letting that settle, Markus won’t push the subject further unless Noctis decides to pick up this thread of the conversation himself. Instead, the young man mentions Carl, and Markus only nods.]
... yeah. I can. [ And isn't that just the salt in the wound? It's kept him awake more than one night here even if he doesn't want to fully rest his finger on the reasoning behind it. Sure, he shouldn't blame himself for being unable to predict the attack; that much even he can admit to readily now that he's had the time to process it. But... ]
I knew he was dying, before that. As my old man... it was hard. [ With the unsaid words hanging obviously between them. As a king it was hard in a different way -- Regis's death meant Noctis's ascension, in addition to the pain of losing his last known family member. ]
What made you the happiest with him? Thinking about that stuff's what makes it easier for me, even if it takes a while for it to set in.
[And hearing that, it’s made even more apparent how heavy that guilt must be; yet it makes sense, in its own way. An ailing loved one is a difficult subject , and Noctis simply not wanting to face it as reality is perhaps a more common coping mechanism than he might believe.
Yet it’s a subject they can loop back around to. Noctis wants to hear about Carl, and Markus has to steady his own thoughts as he lets a moment hang between them, deciding on a suitable answer.
It’s hard. He can think of more than one moment, made clearer by the poignancy of hindsight.]
Happiest… I think, were the quiet moments. He was already weak, and some days were better than others — but the good ones, where he could spend all day in his studio and I could just watch his thought process unfold with each creative decision he made… I think those were my favorite.
[…]
You know, it hasn’t even been that long. Since things changed for me, I mean. But it’s funny how it feels like it was a lifetime ago. Like I was a different person, then.
[ Noctis is entirely silent as Markus speaks, brow knitting at the word "weak" but then he supplies the gentler follow-up. There's emotion in his voice, wholly human, subtle and unaffected but that's what sticks out to Noctis and that's what makes him want to smile, even if it tightens his chest.
His hand braces against the back of that couch as he finally slides forward onto one of the cushions as if he plans to reach out to him, moving closer--
--but he halts, out of his element and wondering if he's pushing too far. ]
... you sound really proud of him. We've both got a lot to live up to... so maybe that's why it feels like a long time ago. Because you're already starting to change to do that.
[Even if Carl is no longer present in his life, he still is, in a way. Helping Markus become the kind of person to be proud of, alive in the choices he makes everyday. He can't imagine those years without him; doesn't want to. Keeps those memories held tightly against him, even if it means that grief hasn't had a chance to dissolve.
And for Markus, that's fine, in the end.
Noctis’ forestalled gesture is too obvious to not be noted. It falls into the trap of awkwardness, half-completed, but Markus takes the reins instead, not so affected by that brand of self-consciousness. It’s easy enough to scoot slightly closer, to place a gentle yet affirming hand on the young man’s shoulder.
Commiseration, he had once told him. Maybe this is it. ]
And do you feel the same way? That you've begun to change, too?
[ That hand drops onto a shoulder that immediately hitches under its weight, having to take a moment to consciously force himself to relax. It takes all of the willpower he has to then return the gesture with a touch of his own to signal to Markus that he's comfortable with this and that it's meaningful to him. It's the least he can do... or would be, if the part of Markus at this angle most readily available weren't his leg, and Noctis bounces his hand in an awkward pat and speedy retreat after placing it on his thigh.
Wow. That was the worst. ]
Uh... I dunno, yet. I think in some ways, but it's hard to know how much of that is me doing what I want to do and growing to make better choices, or... just doing what I have to do. I've barely had time to stop and think.
[Well, he tries. Awkward as it might be, Noctis' intent is still noted, even if its follow-through was only half realized. But it's fine. Markus takes awkward moments and rights them on their feet, pushing forward and past them without any outward judgment.
He drops his hand, settling it back on his lap.]
I know exactly what that's like.
[They run so parallel with each other, facing similar trials across completely different worlds and circumstances, that Markus is almost sorry for it.]
But maybe they're sometimes one and the same. Maybe some people aren't given the luxury of differentiating the two. [A beat.] Besides, even though this world provides some leeway to 'stop and think', it hardly ever feels that way.
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
no subject
Honestly? I don't really regret any of that. Later...
I should've been around more. I asked him if I could move out on my own and he said yes, but I still could've stopped by more. [ He glances up, then, clearly hitting a wall with his own awkwardness with the subject. ]
Do you... you know. Wanna' talk about Carl some more?
no subject
And that, he knows, is the inherent issue. It wouldn’t be.
Yet the android almost feels like a hypocrite when he says—] You can’t do that to yourself, Noctis. You can’t punish yourself for not having the foresight to expect tragedy that no one should ever have to consider.
[Letting that settle, Markus won’t push the subject further unless Noctis decides to pick up this thread of the conversation himself. Instead, the young man mentions Carl, and Markus only nods.]
What kind of questions did you want to ask?
no subject
I knew he was dying, before that. As my old man... it was hard. [ With the unsaid words hanging obviously between them. As a king it was hard in a different way -- Regis's death meant Noctis's ascension, in addition to the pain of losing his last known family member. ]
What made you the happiest with him? Thinking about that stuff's what makes it easier for me, even if it takes a while for it to set in.
no subject
Yet it’s a subject they can loop back around to. Noctis wants to hear about Carl, and Markus has to steady his own thoughts as he lets a moment hang between them, deciding on a suitable answer.
It’s hard. He can think of more than one moment, made clearer by the poignancy of hindsight.]
Happiest… I think, were the quiet moments. He was already weak, and some days were better than others — but the good ones, where he could spend all day in his studio and I could just watch his thought process unfold with each creative decision he made… I think those were my favorite.
[…]
You know, it hasn’t even been that long. Since things changed for me, I mean. But it’s funny how it feels like it was a lifetime ago. Like I was a different person, then.
no subject
His hand braces against the back of that couch as he finally slides forward onto one of the cushions as if he plans to reach out to him, moving closer--
--but he halts, out of his element and wondering if he's pushing too far. ]
... you sound really proud of him. We've both got a lot to live up to... so maybe that's why it feels like a long time ago. Because you're already starting to change to do that.
no subject
[Even if Carl is no longer present in his life, he still is, in a way. Helping Markus become the kind of person to be proud of, alive in the choices he makes everyday. He can't imagine those years without him; doesn't want to. Keeps those memories held tightly against him, even if it means that grief hasn't had a chance to dissolve.
And for Markus, that's fine, in the end.
Noctis’ forestalled gesture is too obvious to not be noted. It falls into the trap of awkwardness, half-completed, but Markus takes the reins instead, not so affected by that brand of self-consciousness. It’s easy enough to scoot slightly closer, to place a gentle yet affirming hand on the young man’s shoulder.
Commiseration, he had once told him. Maybe this is it. ]
And do you feel the same way? That you've begun to change, too?
no subject
Wow. That was the worst. ]
Uh... I dunno, yet. I think in some ways, but it's hard to know how much of that is me doing what I want to do and growing to make better choices, or... just doing what I have to do. I've barely had time to stop and think.
no subject
He drops his hand, settling it back on his lap.]
I know exactly what that's like.
[They run so parallel with each other, facing similar trials across completely different worlds and circumstances, that Markus is almost sorry for it.]
But maybe they're sometimes one and the same. Maybe some people aren't given the luxury of differentiating the two. [A beat.] Besides, even though this world provides some leeway to 'stop and think', it hardly ever feels that way.