[A muscle works in his jaw, watching as Noctis' legs swing over the side of the mattress. Taking his words into account, feeling them run a strange parallel with himself -- especially after recent events, having harmed the person he was supposed to protect in a fit of anger.
Markus shakes his head, eyes settling on some nondescript part of the wall just beyond the bed, since he can't catch Noctis' gaze.]
And what standards are you holding yourself to, exactly? Don't say you can't help him. I know you're the one feeling bad about this, Noctis, but you have to be fair to yourself, too. You're still willing to communicate, still willing to find out his side of the story.
It's like I said, give it some time. Don't write yourself off so quickly.
[ He still doesn't look at him, can't, half-lidded eyes just pointed upward at a poorly spackled ceiling. Being here is like losing momentum. Trying to hold onto it hadn't been impossible, but the introduction of a fractured timeline and a visibly disturbed friend is like a giant hurdle that's caught him. Now he's feeling tired, again. ]
I'm... holding myself to the standard that I have to. You get it.
I'm gonna' give it time. I can't dwell on what's in the past forever; that's the advice I gave you too. But it doesn't really apply to the future, or the present. Geeze... I don't know what the hell I'm doing if I say I'm gonna' protect people and I still can't do it.
[That’s the issue, isn’t it? Holding steadfast to the idea of protecting others, trying one’s hardest to do everything to make it possible — he knows it’s like a sword hanging over one’s head. And to be met with failure feels utterly gutting.]
[ It's so far from being good enough. It's so far. ] But every time I slip up-- I keep losing people. Can't blame anyone else anymore, and now he's going through this shit?
Doesn't even matter for that part if I intentionally hurt him or not: I'm the reason he was in a position for it to happen at all. It's on me. [ His head turns to the side with a click of his tongue, warm cheek against cool bedding, as he wills himself to calm back down. ]
... I don't know. I guess I'd try to change the future.
[Every word spoken is like a stone weighing on Markus’ own chest. Too many parallels, all of it wrought from heavy responsibility, so much that Noctis might as well be talking about himself. Markus adjusts a foot, shifting his weight slightly on the desk. Doesn’t say anything at first — doesn’t have to. He understands.
Finally:]
…In a way, some of us have been given that opportunity here. To know the future, and to consider how to adjust our actions accordingly. Maybe it’s… good that you’re finding out about this now, rather than later.
[Mind flitting to his conversation with Connor in the hospital, he can’t help the way a hand comes up to rub briefly at the bridge of his nose, then dropping it back down.]
Is there anything I can do to make this easier for you?
... Kinda' thought you were going to tell me that changing the timeline is dangerous or something. [ Little does he know that his timeline is already one of the worst ones; maybe it could use some changing.
Noctis braces his good hand against the mattress, suddenly, a quiet grunt accompanying his push to get himself back upright. It takes a moment or two longer after that before he's willing to lift his head, meeting that heterochromic gaze with his own, and it's clear that the faint smile on his features is forced but it's a step in the right direction. ]
You already brought me pillows, so... You did okay, I guess.
Just 'okay'- [He says with the expected crimping of a smile that the comment deserves.] I guess I'll take it.
[But Markus doesn't say anything after that, taking a moment to consider his thoughts. How he wants to reply to the former remark, or if he wants to at all. But there's been a thread of openness with Noctis that he can't ignore, and he sees no reason to sever it now.]
And you know, I'd be a hypocrite if I gave you a lecture about timelines. Not when I've already been spoiled on my own. So, no, I wouldn't tell you that. I'd suggest you take advantage of the opportunity for change; there's little worse than remaining stagnant.
Just okay, [ he confirms, even pairing it with a little upward flick of his chin. ]
... did you just say "spoiled"? Now I'm gonna' think about it like that... Normally I hate spoilers, but I guess if I can fix things that weren't supposed to happen then I'm just cleaning up the timeline, right? Retconning. [ How much sense does this make? It's easy to chatter about something silly in favor of keeping things serious and working himself up to the gratitude he absolutely owes Markus. Gratitude and... equal honesty, too. ]
Hey... can I tell you something? It's been bugging me.
Reconning, then. Why not, if you're aiming for a better narrative?
[Yes, he said spoiled, and yes, he can go with this little analogy. Anything to ease the tension in Noctis' body, to allow a little bit of levity in a subject that's hard to know how to approach.]
Yeah... Like if a comic is successful so they do a side comic, but it messes up the storyline for the main one. Then they have to retcon. [ Big news, he's a full-on otaku, not just a gamer. Film on this breaking story at 11.
Noctis hesitates now, however, wondering if he should precede this with an apology. ]
[Somehow, the slow realization of Noctis being an otaku is not surprising.
Almost not as surprising as what the young man admits to him next.]
…You’re not?
[Markus keeps anything knowing out of his tone. Allows Noctis to take his own time with this, to say what he’s comfortable with. But throughout their conversations, even throughout their text exchanges, there were pieces to the story that didn’t quite add up. The heavy responsibility weighted on his shoulders. The habits and preferences that don’t align to the strict lifestyle a royal guard should adhere to. The careful sidestep of more than a few of his questions. The naming conventions of his world, versus his chosen network ID.
He’s no detective, but Noctis has left a line of logic that’s easy enough to follow for anyone observant. Even so—]
[ Even a neutral reaction is somewhat telling and he resists the urge to groan his frustration with himself, instead back to avoiding eye contact as he indulges in a quiet exhale that's a little too close to a sigh. Fuck. Sure, he hasn't been as subtle as he's wanted to be. That hurts his argument that this was a precaution. Now? It's as if he lied for nothing.
Like he distrusted Markus for nothing. ]
You got pretty close to it before, so...
My full name's Noctis Lucis Caelum. Crown prince... or now, only living heir to the throne. Calling myself a king still doesn't feel right.
[Markus wouldn't view it like that. Noctis had been in a new world, supplanted into confusing circumstances, with no one familiar to anchor himself to. Being overcautious wasn’t surprising; Markus knows already knows of someone else who’s chosen a faux network ID, and he’s sure there’s likely more instances that he simply isn’t aware of. And being torn from a war, being such an important figure to his nation — a(n admittedly weak) fake name made sense to implement.
It’s confirmation, though, of what he had suspected. Markus stops pretending otherwise.]
After all you’ve told me… I think I already knew.
[Even so, only now does he look at the other as if cast under a new light. What the true weight of responsibility means to Noctis, back when they had spoken about pushing forward, about the advice his father had given him.]
And you’ve always had the look of someone shouldering more than what just a guard would. [Transient proof at best, but the kind that Markus is good at pinning down in others — reading what lies behind the immediately apparent.]
Ahh, if it's written on my face then I guess I'm not doing a good job of keeping it low-key... [ He smoothes back slowly growing hair but it's only too quick to fall back into his face, shielding young features from a mismatched gaze. ]
I always heard the opposite. That I didn't have the right bearing or I "spoke too freely"... there's a lot of that when you grow up a prince. It gets old really quick. [ Or, more recently, he's heard it from Cor, Gladio, Cid... ]
... sorry. That I didn't say something sooner, I mean. Everything else I said was real, so...
[A statement that comes swiftly. He'll have no guilt on Noctis' part for keeping it to himself, not if he can help ease it even by the smallest fraction. And Markus takes a moment to consider the criticisms brought against him, regarding the "bearing" of royalty.]
You don't, really, have much of a regal bearing. [Maybe not a helpful reinforcement against something that the other found "old", but he has a point he's making-] But that wasn't what made me think you were more than just a guard. The way you spoke in the hospital... about pushing forward, about responsibility.
[He can't catch Noctis' eyes like this, but the words might as well have the same effect, so purposefully spoken.]
[ Now the fingers of his good hand find his sling, picking at fabric idly as he listens. Not much regal bearing? Right... that much he knew. But then Markus continues, keeping him silent. ]
I still need to apologize. Sure, I had a good reason... but that doesn't take away the fact that you were honest with me and I wasn't honest back. That was pretty obviously wrong.
Look... You're a leader too, and you didn't have someone to show you how to get ready for something specifically like that like I did. So... if I think of more advice from him, I'll share it with you. Okay?
[If Noctis is wont to press the apology, then Markus won't make a second attempt at denying it.]
Then I accept your apology. And I forgive you, in case you're still feeling guilty about it.
[Something somber settles in him at the offer, though. Feels like melancholy, or the ghost of it, entangled with an imperceptible gratitude.]
I'd like that. Following the advice and example of someone who- [His lips twist into something wry.] -was wiser than the both of us combined, I imagine.
Yeah... Thanks, Markus. [ ... ] I'm not saying I was feeling guilty, but maybe I was, a little. I dunno. When you said all that stuff about Carl... I mean, I wanted to tell you then. A little glad I didn't, though, since I'd had so many pain pills.
[ Wow, Noctis, stop talking. ]
He was always giving me lectures when I was a kid that I didn't get but now they make more sense.
[ His hesitation is visible though it isn't pained like it was before -- where does he start? What does he say about him, that would do him justice? ]
You really wanna' hear about that? I can, just... Are you seriously comfortable sitting there like that? You can sit on the bed too or we can go in the living room or something, if you wanna' have a whole conversation about it.
This is where he'd groan and flop back down on the bed if he were dealing with one of the members of his retinue, always one to mope and dwell in privacy. But Markus? It feels worse to deny him when he's doing something that is admittedly good for him, so Noctis reluctantly forces himself to stand. ]
... I'm not melancholic. I'm fine normally, I just haven't brought that part up a lot. [ Since it happened, since his father was murdered. Maybe that's the problem. ]
[Markus could argue the point — knowing what words to apply when one finds themselves too lost in their own head — but he won’t. Sees no need, not when Noctis is willing to have this conversation with him.
So just a-] I understand. [-as he guides them out of the room, down the short hallway, and into the living area. Markus doesn’t need to tell him that he can sit wherever he likes, and the android settles at one end of the couch.]
It isn’t exactly a topic that comes up in everyday conversation. But it’s good to not leave these kind of thoughts lingering for too long.
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
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Markus shakes his head, eyes settling on some nondescript part of the wall just beyond the bed, since he can't catch Noctis' gaze.]
And what standards are you holding yourself to, exactly? Don't say you can't help him. I know you're the one feeling bad about this, Noctis, but you have to be fair to yourself, too. You're still willing to communicate, still willing to find out his side of the story.
It's like I said, give it some time. Don't write yourself off so quickly.
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I'm... holding myself to the standard that I have to. You get it.
I'm gonna' give it time. I can't dwell on what's in the past forever; that's the advice I gave you too. But it doesn't really apply to the future, or the present. Geeze... I don't know what the hell I'm doing if I say I'm gonna' protect people and I still can't do it.
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I guess… you keep trying.
[Said quietly, contemplative. Pushing forward isn’t always easy.]
…If you find out that you did hurt him, that it’s not a misconception, what will you do?
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[ It's so far from being good enough. It's so far. ] But every time I slip up-- I keep losing people. Can't blame anyone else anymore, and now he's going through this shit?
Doesn't even matter for that part if I intentionally hurt him or not: I'm the reason he was in a position for it to happen at all. It's on me. [ His head turns to the side with a click of his tongue, warm cheek against cool bedding, as he wills himself to calm back down. ]
... I don't know. I guess I'd try to change the future.
i saw that ak;jsf
Finally:]
…In a way, some of us have been given that opportunity here. To know the future, and to consider how to adjust our actions accordingly. Maybe it’s… good that you’re finding out about this now, rather than later.
[Mind flitting to his conversation with Connor in the hospital, he can’t help the way a hand comes up to rub briefly at the bridge of his nose, then dropping it back down.]
Is there anything I can do to make this easier for you?
leave me...
Noctis braces his good hand against the mattress, suddenly, a quiet grunt accompanying his push to get himself back upright. It takes a moment or two longer after that before he's willing to lift his head, meeting that heterochromic gaze with his own, and it's clear that the faint smile on his features is forced but it's a step in the right direction. ]
You already brought me pillows, so... You did okay, I guess.
never
[But Markus doesn't say anything after that, taking a moment to consider his thoughts. How he wants to reply to the former remark, or if he wants to at all. But there's been a thread of openness with Noctis that he can't ignore, and he sees no reason to sever it now.]
And you know, I'd be a hypocrite if I gave you a lecture about timelines. Not when I've already been spoiled on my own. So, no, I wouldn't tell you that. I'd suggest you take advantage of the opportunity for change; there's little worse than remaining stagnant.
awww
... did you just say "spoiled"? Now I'm gonna' think about it like that... Normally I hate spoilers, but I guess if I can fix things that weren't supposed to happen then I'm just cleaning up the timeline, right? Retconning. [ How much sense does this make? It's easy to chatter about something silly in favor of keeping things serious and working himself up to the gratitude he absolutely owes Markus. Gratitude and... equal honesty, too. ]
Hey... can I tell you something? It's been bugging me.
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[Yes, he said spoiled, and yes, he can go with this little analogy. Anything to ease the tension in Noctis' body, to allow a little bit of levity in a subject that's hard to know how to approach.]
...But yes. Of course.
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Noctis hesitates now, however, wondering if he should precede this with an apology. ]
... I'm not a guard.
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Almost not as surprising as what the young man admits to him next.]
…You’re not?
[Markus keeps anything knowing out of his tone. Allows Noctis to take his own time with this, to say what he’s comfortable with. But throughout their conversations, even throughout their text exchanges, there were pieces to the story that didn’t quite add up. The heavy responsibility weighted on his shoulders. The habits and preferences that don’t align to the strict lifestyle a royal guard should adhere to. The careful sidestep of more than a few of his questions. The naming conventions of his world, versus his chosen network ID.
He’s no detective, but Noctis has left a line of logic that’s easy enough to follow for anyone observant. Even so—]
Then what was it you did?
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Like he distrusted Markus for nothing. ]
You got pretty close to it before, so...
My full name's Noctis Lucis Caelum. Crown prince... or now, only living heir to the throne. Calling myself a king still doesn't feel right.
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It’s confirmation, though, of what he had suspected. Markus stops pretending otherwise.]
After all you’ve told me… I think I already knew.
[Even so, only now does he look at the other as if cast under a new light. What the true weight of responsibility means to Noctis, back when they had spoken about pushing forward, about the advice his father had given him.]
And you’ve always had the look of someone shouldering more than what just a guard would. [Transient proof at best, but the kind that Markus is good at pinning down in others — reading what lies behind the immediately apparent.]
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I always heard the opposite. That I didn't have the right bearing or I "spoke too freely"... there's a lot of that when you grow up a prince. It gets old really quick. [ Or, more recently, he's heard it from Cor, Gladio, Cid... ]
... sorry. That I didn't say something sooner, I mean. Everything else I said was real, so...
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[A statement that comes swiftly. He'll have no guilt on Noctis' part for keeping it to himself, not if he can help ease it even by the smallest fraction. And Markus takes a moment to consider the criticisms brought against him, regarding the "bearing" of royalty.]
You don't, really, have much of a regal bearing. [Maybe not a helpful reinforcement against something that the other found "old", but he has a point he's making-] But that wasn't what made me think you were more than just a guard. The way you spoke in the hospital... about pushing forward, about responsibility.
[He can't catch Noctis' eyes like this, but the words might as well have the same effect, so purposefully spoken.]
You looked like a leader then.
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I still need to apologize. Sure, I had a good reason... but that doesn't take away the fact that you were honest with me and I wasn't honest back. That was pretty obviously wrong.
Look... You're a leader too, and you didn't have someone to show you how to get ready for something specifically like that like I did. So... if I think of more advice from him, I'll share it with you. Okay?
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Then I accept your apology. And I forgive you, in case you're still feeling guilty about it.
[Something somber settles in him at the offer, though. Feels like melancholy, or the ghost of it, entangled with an imperceptible gratitude.]
I'd like that. Following the advice and example of someone who- [His lips twist into something wry.] -was wiser than the both of us combined, I imagine.
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[ Wow, Noctis, stop talking. ]
He was always giving me lectures when I was a kid that I didn't get but now they make more sense.
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That’s the nature of advice, isn’t it? It seems superfluous until it isn’t.
[Markus pauses for a second, unsure of Noctis’ willingness to linger on this subject, beyond his initial admission. But he decides to ask.]
Will you tell me more about him? Your father.
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[ His hesitation is visible though it isn't pained like it was before -- where does he start? What does he say about him, that would do him justice? ]
You really wanna' hear about that? I can, just... Are you seriously comfortable sitting there like that? You can sit on the bed too or we can go in the living room or something, if you wanna' have a whole conversation about it.
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...We don't have to. It's a conversation that can be saved for another time.
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Pretty sure it's not gonna' get easier to say.
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Then let’s sit in the living room for a while. I know you’re still recovering, but being alone with your thoughts for too long will just leave you…
[A pause for the right word that isn’t just “depressed”.]
…melancholic.
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This is where he'd groan and flop back down on the bed if he were dealing with one of the members of his retinue, always one to mope and dwell in privacy. But Markus? It feels worse to deny him when he's doing something that is admittedly good for him, so Noctis reluctantly forces himself to stand. ]
... I'm not melancholic. I'm fine normally, I just haven't brought that part up a lot. [ Since it happened, since his father was murdered. Maybe that's the problem. ]
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So just a-] I understand. [-as he guides them out of the room, down the short hallway, and into the living area. Markus doesn’t need to tell him that he can sit wherever he likes, and the android settles at one end of the couch.]
It isn’t exactly a topic that comes up in everyday conversation. But it’s good to not leave these kind of thoughts lingering for too long.
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