[He pauses in his step, just briefly, as he reads that. Knows the importance of meeting someone from your home in this place — and that’s not even accounting for if they’re a best friend.]
Why bittersweet? Did seeing him bother you more than it was a relief?
You can tell me anyway. I told you before, didn't I? [Back when he visited him in the hospital. The conversation they had.] I want to listen if you want to talk about it.
And do you believe that under any circumstances you would’ve willingly hurt your best friend?
[Markus can’t help but think of his fight with Connor. How he had lost his composure, and had harmed him without remorse at the time.
Such things are possible, but maybe circumstances dictated that they weren’t normal. Maybe that’s the case for Noctis, too.]
This place has recently proven to us all that we can act irrationally because of variables outside of our own control. What’s important is that you talk to him and try to understand just what had happened between you two.
[And taking a second pillow to tuck under an arm. He closes the closet door and makes his way down the short corridor towards Noctis’ (his) room.]
[ It's a familiar speech because there are threads of it that are reminiscent of the one he'd given Markus from a hospital bed, faced with a stubborn man in visible pain who willingly shouldered it as penance. But... when it comes to this, Noctis isn't sure how he can repent. He doesn't even know what the hell he did in its entirety, not yet. ]
No I don't believe it. Just hard to shake that he did.
[ Which is the heart of the problem. Either he did it by his own will, which he can't wrap his head around, or he didn't and Prompto is still afraid of him. ]
He's not saying much to me. Guess I had to vent a little.
He's newly arrived. This world is foreign and frightening. Maybe what he needs is time.
[A few steps more, then-]
We all tend to gravitate towards the familiar. You're familiar to him. Even if he's scared now, I have a feeling he'll come around and the two of you can have the discussion you need.
[He's here. Knuckles rap lightly on the door to his own room. And though it's a little silly to send a text message when he's literally on the other side of the door, Markus composes them so quickly it hardly even matters; he might as well send it through.]
I realize that doesn't do much to make you feel better about it now.
[ The knock at the door comes but Noctis is rereading those messages once, twice, taking a few seconds longer before actually dragging himself up to answer it. Of course it's Markus, and if anything could make him feel stupider about potentially oversharing his problems it's the fact that he's actually armed with pillows. ]
Hey... I didn't mean to make you hunt those down or anything; I'm not that lazy.
... thanks. [ And not for the pillows. ] It's just--
[Of course he's armed with pillows. Markus only replies after he steps in, closing the space between the door and the bedside, and offering one of them to Noctis.]
You're welcome. [He knows it's not just the pillows, he knows the thanks is for something else harder to enunciate, and Markus accepts it all the same.]
Settling in okay in here?
[He'll continue the conversation if Noctis is willing, but he might as well see if the other's doing all right in his room.]
[ He takes the proffered pillow with his good hand, unable to resist checking the quality of it by flattening it against his stomach and giving it a little pat. Not bad. ]
Ah, yeah... I mean it's a lot better than sleeping outside. [ ... did that sound rude? ] And the safehouse. [ Better. ]
[The second pillow is gently tossed to him, landing harmlessly next to Noctis’ hip. At the comment, he glances around the room in an idle, assessing sort of way.]
Yes. There hasn’t been much time to accrue very many personal objects.
[Beyond the basic furnishings, Markus has lived here for less than a month. It might not be as spartan as Connor’s room (at least Markus does have a painting of the river that cuts through the city on one wall, and a weird little spindly lamp that can be twisted in all sorts of directions on the corner of a desk — a hint of eccentricity that doesn’t really show anywhere else quite yet) but it it’s very tidy because it isn’t difficult to keep it that way.
That, and Markus is a rather neat individual in general.]
But I’m also used to keeping things tidy. Just habit, in some ways.
Yeah, I guess that makes sense... But even then there's not really any trash in here or anything. My-- well, Ignis, the guy I told you about, he used to come over to my apartment and give me a hard time. It was always a wreck...
[ Which is a far fonder memory now than it was then, and as he drops fully onto the bed again he finds himself thinking back. ]
... hey...
If you can forget most of that stuff I said, I'd appreciate it. I shouldn't have brought it up.
[Markus finds something sad in the resignation he hears in those words; or maybe it’s the way Noctis has slumped back into the bed, mind caught in what he can only assume is memory.]
Noctis.
[The desk isn’t really all that far from the bed, a comfortable distance for conversation when Markus decides to sit casually on its surface, crossing his arms loosely across his chest.]
What good will that do you? Keeping this all to yourself.
[ Markus chooses to make himself a little more comfortable which tells Noctis he isn't getting away with that request so easily, picking at a loose thread in that pillowcase before he forces his hand to flatten over it. ]
Ahh... I dunno what good it'll do me. That's not the point.
It's something he shared with me... that's all. And I shouldn't be talking about him behind his back before I know what's going on. That's wrong.
[It’s fair reasoning, but Markus isn’t sure it’s quite satisfying enough to let it go just yet. There’s a line between this being any of his business and Noctis’, and while he’s careful to not careen himself over it, it feels strange leaving him alone to stew in his uncertainty.]
There’s a difference between talking ill about someone, versus seeking advice or consolation.
[A beat.]
I won’t force you to talk about it, of course. Especially if you think there’s nothing more to be said. But you can be open with me; I can keep things just between us.
[ He pitches back suddenly, lying flat on the mattress with legs hanging over the side, a quiet sigh punctuating the little deflation. ]
You feel responsible for Connor, right? Sometimes... it's not the same, but I have to look out for him. Now I can't help him because I'm part of the problem. So...
All I'm doing is spreading this shit around. Feels like I should be a little better than this by now.
[A muscle works in his jaw, watching as Noctis' legs swing over the side of the mattress. Taking his words into account, feeling them run a strange parallel with himself -- especially after recent events, having harmed the person he was supposed to protect in a fit of anger.
Markus shakes his head, eyes settling on some nondescript part of the wall just beyond the bed, since he can't catch Noctis' gaze.]
And what standards are you holding yourself to, exactly? Don't say you can't help him. I know you're the one feeling bad about this, Noctis, but you have to be fair to yourself, too. You're still willing to communicate, still willing to find out his side of the story.
It's like I said, give it some time. Don't write yourself off so quickly.
[ He still doesn't look at him, can't, half-lidded eyes just pointed upward at a poorly spackled ceiling. Being here is like losing momentum. Trying to hold onto it hadn't been impossible, but the introduction of a fractured timeline and a visibly disturbed friend is like a giant hurdle that's caught him. Now he's feeling tired, again. ]
I'm... holding myself to the standard that I have to. You get it.
I'm gonna' give it time. I can't dwell on what's in the past forever; that's the advice I gave you too. But it doesn't really apply to the future, or the present. Geeze... I don't know what the hell I'm doing if I say I'm gonna' protect people and I still can't do it.
[That’s the issue, isn’t it? Holding steadfast to the idea of protecting others, trying one’s hardest to do everything to make it possible — he knows it’s like a sword hanging over one’s head. And to be met with failure feels utterly gutting.]
[ It's so far from being good enough. It's so far. ] But every time I slip up-- I keep losing people. Can't blame anyone else anymore, and now he's going through this shit?
Doesn't even matter for that part if I intentionally hurt him or not: I'm the reason he was in a position for it to happen at all. It's on me. [ His head turns to the side with a click of his tongue, warm cheek against cool bedding, as he wills himself to calm back down. ]
... I don't know. I guess I'd try to change the future.
[Every word spoken is like a stone weighing on Markus’ own chest. Too many parallels, all of it wrought from heavy responsibility, so much that Noctis might as well be talking about himself. Markus adjusts a foot, shifting his weight slightly on the desk. Doesn’t say anything at first — doesn’t have to. He understands.
Finally:]
…In a way, some of us have been given that opportunity here. To know the future, and to consider how to adjust our actions accordingly. Maybe it’s… good that you’re finding out about this now, rather than later.
[Mind flitting to his conversation with Connor in the hospital, he can’t help the way a hand comes up to rub briefly at the bridge of his nose, then dropping it back down.]
Is there anything I can do to make this easier for you?
... Kinda' thought you were going to tell me that changing the timeline is dangerous or something. [ Little does he know that his timeline is already one of the worst ones; maybe it could use some changing.
Noctis braces his good hand against the mattress, suddenly, a quiet grunt accompanying his push to get himself back upright. It takes a moment or two longer after that before he's willing to lift his head, meeting that heterochromic gaze with his own, and it's clear that the faint smile on his features is forced but it's a step in the right direction. ]
You already brought me pillows, so... You did okay, I guess.
Just 'okay'- [He says with the expected crimping of a smile that the comment deserves.] I guess I'll take it.
[But Markus doesn't say anything after that, taking a moment to consider his thoughts. How he wants to reply to the former remark, or if he wants to at all. But there's been a thread of openness with Noctis that he can't ignore, and he sees no reason to sever it now.]
And you know, I'd be a hypocrite if I gave you a lecture about timelines. Not when I've already been spoiled on my own. So, no, I wouldn't tell you that. I'd suggest you take advantage of the opportunity for change; there's little worse than remaining stagnant.
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
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Why bittersweet? Did seeing him bother you more than it was a relief?
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That and he was just saying a lot of weird stuff to me. [ ... ]
Guess this won't make any more sense to you than it does to me, not sure why I'm putting it on you.
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What do you mean by "weird stuff"?
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He talked about me trying to hurt him or something. I'd never do that, I don't know what he meant.
He was scared of me.
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That doesn’t sound like you at all.
Is this another issue of differing timelines?
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Idk. Does it matter? If I did it before I got here or I do it in the future.
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[Markus can’t help but think of his fight with Connor. How he had lost his composure, and had harmed him without remorse at the time.
Such things are possible, but maybe circumstances dictated that they weren’t normal. Maybe that’s the case for Noctis, too.]
This place has recently proven to us all that we can act irrationally because of variables outside of our own control. What’s important is that you talk to him and try to understand just what had happened between you two.
[And taking a second pillow to tuck under an arm. He closes the closet door and makes his way down the short corridor towards Noctis’ (his) room.]
no subject
No I don't believe it. Just hard to shake that he did.
[ Which is the heart of the problem. Either he did it by his own will, which he can't wrap his head around, or he didn't and Prompto is still afraid of him. ]
He's not saying much to me. Guess I had to vent a little.
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[A few steps more, then-]
We all tend to gravitate towards the familiar. You're familiar to him. Even if he's scared now, I have a feeling he'll come around and the two of you can have the discussion you need.
[He's here. Knuckles rap lightly on the door to his own room. And though it's a little silly to send a text message when he's literally on the other side of the door, Markus composes them so quickly it hardly even matters; he might as well send it through.]
I realize that doesn't do much to make you feel better about it now.
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Hey... I didn't mean to make you hunt those down or anything; I'm not that lazy.
... thanks. [ And not for the pillows. ] It's just--
I dunno. Thanks.
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You're welcome. [He knows it's not just the pillows, he knows the thanks is for something else harder to enunciate, and Markus accepts it all the same.]
Settling in okay in here?
[He'll continue the conversation if Noctis is willing, but he might as well see if the other's doing all right in his room.]
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Ah, yeah... I mean it's a lot better than sleeping outside. [ ... did that sound rude? ] And the safehouse. [ Better. ]
You're pretty tidy.
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Yes. There hasn’t been much time to accrue very many personal objects.
[Beyond the basic furnishings, Markus has lived here for less than a month. It might not be as spartan as Connor’s room (at least Markus does have a painting of the river that cuts through the city on one wall, and a weird little spindly lamp that can be twisted in all sorts of directions on the corner of a desk — a hint of eccentricity that doesn’t really show anywhere else quite yet) but it it’s very tidy because it isn’t difficult to keep it that way.
That, and Markus is a rather neat individual in general.]
But I’m also used to keeping things tidy. Just habit, in some ways.
no subject
[ Which is a far fonder memory now than it was then, and as he drops fully onto the bed again he finds himself thinking back. ]
... hey...
If you can forget most of that stuff I said, I'd appreciate it. I shouldn't have brought it up.
no subject
Noctis.
[The desk isn’t really all that far from the bed, a comfortable distance for conversation when Markus decides to sit casually on its surface, crossing his arms loosely across his chest.]
What good will that do you? Keeping this all to yourself.
[Ah, selective hypocrisy.]
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Ahh... I dunno what good it'll do me. That's not the point.
It's something he shared with me... that's all. And I shouldn't be talking about him behind his back before I know what's going on. That's wrong.
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There’s a difference between talking ill about someone, versus seeking advice or consolation.
[A beat.]
I won’t force you to talk about it, of course. Especially if you think there’s nothing more to be said. But you can be open with me; I can keep things just between us.
no subject
[ He pitches back suddenly, lying flat on the mattress with legs hanging over the side, a quiet sigh punctuating the little deflation. ]
You feel responsible for Connor, right? Sometimes... it's not the same, but I have to look out for him. Now I can't help him because I'm part of the problem. So...
All I'm doing is spreading this shit around. Feels like I should be a little better than this by now.
no subject
Markus shakes his head, eyes settling on some nondescript part of the wall just beyond the bed, since he can't catch Noctis' gaze.]
And what standards are you holding yourself to, exactly? Don't say you can't help him. I know you're the one feeling bad about this, Noctis, but you have to be fair to yourself, too. You're still willing to communicate, still willing to find out his side of the story.
It's like I said, give it some time. Don't write yourself off so quickly.
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I'm... holding myself to the standard that I have to. You get it.
I'm gonna' give it time. I can't dwell on what's in the past forever; that's the advice I gave you too. But it doesn't really apply to the future, or the present. Geeze... I don't know what the hell I'm doing if I say I'm gonna' protect people and I still can't do it.
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I guess… you keep trying.
[Said quietly, contemplative. Pushing forward isn’t always easy.]
…If you find out that you did hurt him, that it’s not a misconception, what will you do?
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[ It's so far from being good enough. It's so far. ] But every time I slip up-- I keep losing people. Can't blame anyone else anymore, and now he's going through this shit?
Doesn't even matter for that part if I intentionally hurt him or not: I'm the reason he was in a position for it to happen at all. It's on me. [ His head turns to the side with a click of his tongue, warm cheek against cool bedding, as he wills himself to calm back down. ]
... I don't know. I guess I'd try to change the future.
i saw that ak;jsf
Finally:]
…In a way, some of us have been given that opportunity here. To know the future, and to consider how to adjust our actions accordingly. Maybe it’s… good that you’re finding out about this now, rather than later.
[Mind flitting to his conversation with Connor in the hospital, he can’t help the way a hand comes up to rub briefly at the bridge of his nose, then dropping it back down.]
Is there anything I can do to make this easier for you?
leave me...
Noctis braces his good hand against the mattress, suddenly, a quiet grunt accompanying his push to get himself back upright. It takes a moment or two longer after that before he's willing to lift his head, meeting that heterochromic gaze with his own, and it's clear that the faint smile on his features is forced but it's a step in the right direction. ]
You already brought me pillows, so... You did okay, I guess.
never
[But Markus doesn't say anything after that, taking a moment to consider his thoughts. How he wants to reply to the former remark, or if he wants to at all. But there's been a thread of openness with Noctis that he can't ignore, and he sees no reason to sever it now.]
And you know, I'd be a hypocrite if I gave you a lecture about timelines. Not when I've already been spoiled on my own. So, no, I wouldn't tell you that. I'd suggest you take advantage of the opportunity for change; there's little worse than remaining stagnant.
awww
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